What a Wonderful World

Today and the last few days I have felt a feeling of FLATNESS, I can't quite explain it. Eating-wise things are abit everywhere and in all honestly I really cant be bothered with recovery, I'm not trying right now, ok maybe a little bit but it seems like the ED part of me is winning over lately. "And I think to myself, what a wonderful world."

Punching Wet Cement.......

I found this poem titled "Punching Wet Cement" and I love it.
"When you were fifteen
you broke your hand
punching wet cement.
Isn't that what we're all doing?
Just busting ourselves up
to be remembered"

Do you ever have those days when all you want to do is just give up? Just chuck in the towel and stop trying so damn hard?
I feel like just giving in to my head and my eating disorder so much but at the same time i want to get rid of it? how is it possible to want two things at the same time? how can I stop myself form it? I want to want to.......if that makes sense, I want to recover.

Writing In Wet Cement.......

Do you ever get the feeling that you won't make your mark on this earth before you leave it? As though all your achievments or rather life in general just wont be enough? I have been on this earth almost 21 years and i feel like i ask myself this many times over. I know that it's time i try that little bit harder. Go that little bit further. This is the year I will STAMP my mark.......or at least begin to really try.

What If.......

I Found this article while surfing the web, please take your time to read it.

http://www.news.com.au/heraldsun/story/0,21985,24515444-5006016,00.html

I know that recovery isnt easy and i guess i just wish i had known some of what i know now a while ago, i dont regret any of my actions but i do look at my life and wonder "what if" i never had an eating disorder.

And It Makes Me Think.......

I ate something from a bakery today - and I kept it down which was a pretty big thing for me, I do though feel a little guilty about it - I know I shouldnt but the feeling is still there and I hate it. I hate that something so small can do something so big. It wasn't even that big.......

I Hate Everything About You.......

So things have been going tough lately, I feel like when I am disobeying my eating disorder than I get quite depressed, even though I know that in the long run it will help me. I hate the fact that "Ed" rules so much of my life. What I do and who I see and everything that matters. I feel like I can't even breathe without Eds permission, I know this probably doesnt make sense to alot of you but its almost like having this little man sitting on my shoulder directing my whole life. My whole life is directed by "Eds Rules".

This section of "Life Without Ed" by Jenni Schaefer helps explain some of what goes on with me.

"Ed has rules for everything. There are the wardrobe rules: “Your ‘skinny’ jeans must always fit your body loosely,” and, “on the days that you binge, you must wear your baggy clothes.” Then, there is the dining rule: “You must always eat less than the people you are dining with on any occasion.” Your Ed may have slightly different rules for you, but one thing is for sure. He has rules, and he expects you to follow them.

What happens if you do not follow Ed’s rules? When I don’t obey Ed, he tells me that I am a worthless individual. He says, “If you don’t do what I am saying, you will never be successful. People will just look down on you for your whole life. You will never realize your full potential.”

On the other hand, if I listen to Ed and do what he says, he tells me, “You are so special. You are doing what ‘normal’ people can’t do. You are a success. If you keep listening to me, your life will be wonderful. You will always be in control.” In reality, you must remember who is really in control –Ed."

One day I hope to look back and have Ed be part of my history. I don't want him to be part of my future but part of me is finding it extremely hard to let go.

Dear Ed,
So here it is, the beginning of the end – the beginning of me and the END OF YOU! I’m tired, I’m scared, I’m frustrated, I’m angry but I am ready. I’m ready, after 9 years, to get rid of you.
I met you when my world was coming apart, and you offered everything I thought I couldn’t get from anything else. Bulimia, anorexia, whatever you want to call yourself, you can’t fool me anymore. My happiness to you meant following impossible guidelines and rules. It meant looking at myself from the outside in. Freedom from you to me means working from the inside out – its more important to me that I am a good person from within, my body is a precious commodity and not clay for you to form into your idea of perfection.
I’m tired of running. I’m gonna stand and fight
Yours in captive NO MORE, Christine

It's Been Awhile and So Here I Am

So I have not posted in a while and the reason being is because I was in hospital for a little bit (psych) but I am out now and have been for a few days so it's all good.

Today is Australia Day and in the grand ol' tradition od Aussie Day there is a BBQ at my house which with it means ALOT of food I am guessing. And right now my eating disorder is LOVING all this because it means that it gets to play a big role in how this day turns out. I hate the fact that a day like this gets destined to be ruined by my eating disorder. On the outside I will seem ok sure but on the inside I know things will be different. I hope next year I can spend this day actually having an ok time WITHOUT an ED. Maybe I need to read "Life WITHOUT ED" a few more times for some inspiration towards recovery.