And Then It Happens Again

And yesterday I said things would be different but when today came nothing really changed.
This is what I consumed today (as much as i can remember, i think there was an extra bowl of cereal in there somewhere)

1 box Golden Baked Cluster Crunch Cereal 2190 calories
4 Croissants 883 calories
1 litre skim milk 340 calories
200g Hommus 602 calories
6 mini bread rolls 643 calories
375g Cream Cheese Spread 768 calories
12 Cinnamon Doughnuts 1890 calories
Butter 1000 calories
Bread Twist 4038 calories
10 Tortilla Wraps 1360 calories
Can of Spaghetti 169 calories

Total = 13883 calories

And So It Is.......

So things lately have not been going well, I have been binge/purging ALOT and it feels like a cycle that is VERY VERY hard to break. I don't know what I'm going to do. I feel HOPELESS.

What Do I Do When I Don't Know

I dont know what I want. I WANT RECOVERY but at the same time I don't want what comes with recovery.......

What a Wonderful World

Today and the last few days I have felt a feeling of FLATNESS, I can't quite explain it. Eating-wise things are abit everywhere and in all honestly I really cant be bothered with recovery, I'm not trying right now, ok maybe a little bit but it seems like the ED part of me is winning over lately. "And I think to myself, what a wonderful world."

Punching Wet Cement.......

I found this poem titled "Punching Wet Cement" and I love it.
"When you were fifteen
you broke your hand
punching wet cement.
Isn't that what we're all doing?
Just busting ourselves up
to be remembered"

Do you ever have those days when all you want to do is just give up? Just chuck in the towel and stop trying so damn hard?
I feel like just giving in to my head and my eating disorder so much but at the same time i want to get rid of it? how is it possible to want two things at the same time? how can I stop myself form it? I want to want to.......if that makes sense, I want to recover.

Writing In Wet Cement.......

Do you ever get the feeling that you won't make your mark on this earth before you leave it? As though all your achievments or rather life in general just wont be enough? I have been on this earth almost 21 years and i feel like i ask myself this many times over. I know that it's time i try that little bit harder. Go that little bit further. This is the year I will STAMP my mark.......or at least begin to really try.

What If.......

I Found this article while surfing the web, please take your time to read it.

http://www.news.com.au/heraldsun/story/0,21985,24515444-5006016,00.html

I know that recovery isnt easy and i guess i just wish i had known some of what i know now a while ago, i dont regret any of my actions but i do look at my life and wonder "what if" i never had an eating disorder.