I'm Here

So I have not posted in ages, i was in hospital for a little bit and have been out about a week. Eating wise things are abit everywhere, restriction and binging and purging.........................I'm so sick of this. What a waste of time and money, yet why is it so appealing. Why does it have this power over me. I don't understand.

Chocolate will lead to my undoing.......

And chocolate is one of my weaknesses.......grrrrrrrrrrrrr

250g Dairy Milk Chocolate 1328 calories
250g Creme Brulee Chocolate 1423 calories
170g White Chocolate Kit Kat 923 calories

All purged ARGHHHHHHHHHH when will this chaos END!

I Wonder.......

I wonder what life would be like without an eating disorder. It is at the point now where I honestly dont know how I could ever stop this without physical restraints. I feel like I can't do this by myself. And I am lucky to have a support network there to help but I feel like such a weight on their shoulders.

And Why Dont I Just Stop....AND WHY CAN'T I

It feels as though things are out of my control. I don't know how to stop this cycle I'm in. My psychiatrist is away for this coming week and I wont see her until the 23rd April. I feel as though I am stuck. I feel completely stuck. Even today as I ate chocolate to an excess that I wanted to stop and yet at the same time keep going. I didn't even know what I really wanted.

And Then It Happens Again

And yesterday I said things would be different but when today came nothing really changed.
This is what I consumed today (as much as i can remember, i think there was an extra bowl of cereal in there somewhere)

1 box Golden Baked Cluster Crunch Cereal 2190 calories
4 Croissants 883 calories
1 litre skim milk 340 calories
200g Hommus 602 calories
6 mini bread rolls 643 calories
375g Cream Cheese Spread 768 calories
12 Cinnamon Doughnuts 1890 calories
Butter 1000 calories
Bread Twist 4038 calories
10 Tortilla Wraps 1360 calories
Can of Spaghetti 169 calories

Total = 13883 calories

And So It Is.......

So things lately have not been going well, I have been binge/purging ALOT and it feels like a cycle that is VERY VERY hard to break. I don't know what I'm going to do. I feel HOPELESS.

What Do I Do When I Don't Know

I dont know what I want. I WANT RECOVERY but at the same time I don't want what comes with recovery.......