I'm Here

So I have not posted in ages, i was in hospital for a little bit and have been out about a week. Eating wise things are abit everywhere, restriction and binging and purging.........................I'm so sick of this. What a waste of time and money, yet why is it so appealing. Why does it have this power over me. I don't understand.

Chocolate will lead to my undoing.......

And chocolate is one of my weaknesses.......grrrrrrrrrrrrr

250g Dairy Milk Chocolate 1328 calories
250g Creme Brulee Chocolate 1423 calories
170g White Chocolate Kit Kat 923 calories

All purged ARGHHHHHHHHHH when will this chaos END!

I Wonder.......

I wonder what life would be like without an eating disorder. It is at the point now where I honestly dont know how I could ever stop this without physical restraints. I feel like I can't do this by myself. And I am lucky to have a support network there to help but I feel like such a weight on their shoulders.

And Why Dont I Just Stop....AND WHY CAN'T I

It feels as though things are out of my control. I don't know how to stop this cycle I'm in. My psychiatrist is away for this coming week and I wont see her until the 23rd April. I feel as though I am stuck. I feel completely stuck. Even today as I ate chocolate to an excess that I wanted to stop and yet at the same time keep going. I didn't even know what I really wanted.

And Then It Happens Again

And yesterday I said things would be different but when today came nothing really changed.
This is what I consumed today (as much as i can remember, i think there was an extra bowl of cereal in there somewhere)

1 box Golden Baked Cluster Crunch Cereal 2190 calories
4 Croissants 883 calories
1 litre skim milk 340 calories
200g Hommus 602 calories
6 mini bread rolls 643 calories
375g Cream Cheese Spread 768 calories
12 Cinnamon Doughnuts 1890 calories
Butter 1000 calories
Bread Twist 4038 calories
10 Tortilla Wraps 1360 calories
Can of Spaghetti 169 calories

Total = 13883 calories

And So It Is.......

So things lately have not been going well, I have been binge/purging ALOT and it feels like a cycle that is VERY VERY hard to break. I don't know what I'm going to do. I feel HOPELESS.

What Do I Do When I Don't Know

I dont know what I want. I WANT RECOVERY but at the same time I don't want what comes with recovery.......

What a Wonderful World

Today and the last few days I have felt a feeling of FLATNESS, I can't quite explain it. Eating-wise things are abit everywhere and in all honestly I really cant be bothered with recovery, I'm not trying right now, ok maybe a little bit but it seems like the ED part of me is winning over lately. "And I think to myself, what a wonderful world."

Punching Wet Cement.......

I found this poem titled "Punching Wet Cement" and I love it.
"When you were fifteen
you broke your hand
punching wet cement.
Isn't that what we're all doing?
Just busting ourselves up
to be remembered"

Do you ever have those days when all you want to do is just give up? Just chuck in the towel and stop trying so damn hard?
I feel like just giving in to my head and my eating disorder so much but at the same time i want to get rid of it? how is it possible to want two things at the same time? how can I stop myself form it? I want to want to.......if that makes sense, I want to recover.

Writing In Wet Cement.......

Do you ever get the feeling that you won't make your mark on this earth before you leave it? As though all your achievments or rather life in general just wont be enough? I have been on this earth almost 21 years and i feel like i ask myself this many times over. I know that it's time i try that little bit harder. Go that little bit further. This is the year I will STAMP my mark.......or at least begin to really try.

What If.......

I Found this article while surfing the web, please take your time to read it.

http://www.news.com.au/heraldsun/story/0,21985,24515444-5006016,00.html

I know that recovery isnt easy and i guess i just wish i had known some of what i know now a while ago, i dont regret any of my actions but i do look at my life and wonder "what if" i never had an eating disorder.

And It Makes Me Think.......

I ate something from a bakery today - and I kept it down which was a pretty big thing for me, I do though feel a little guilty about it - I know I shouldnt but the feeling is still there and I hate it. I hate that something so small can do something so big. It wasn't even that big.......

I Hate Everything About You.......

So things have been going tough lately, I feel like when I am disobeying my eating disorder than I get quite depressed, even though I know that in the long run it will help me. I hate the fact that "Ed" rules so much of my life. What I do and who I see and everything that matters. I feel like I can't even breathe without Eds permission, I know this probably doesnt make sense to alot of you but its almost like having this little man sitting on my shoulder directing my whole life. My whole life is directed by "Eds Rules".

This section of "Life Without Ed" by Jenni Schaefer helps explain some of what goes on with me.

"Ed has rules for everything. There are the wardrobe rules: “Your ‘skinny’ jeans must always fit your body loosely,” and, “on the days that you binge, you must wear your baggy clothes.” Then, there is the dining rule: “You must always eat less than the people you are dining with on any occasion.” Your Ed may have slightly different rules for you, but one thing is for sure. He has rules, and he expects you to follow them.

What happens if you do not follow Ed’s rules? When I don’t obey Ed, he tells me that I am a worthless individual. He says, “If you don’t do what I am saying, you will never be successful. People will just look down on you for your whole life. You will never realize your full potential.”

On the other hand, if I listen to Ed and do what he says, he tells me, “You are so special. You are doing what ‘normal’ people can’t do. You are a success. If you keep listening to me, your life will be wonderful. You will always be in control.” In reality, you must remember who is really in control –Ed."

One day I hope to look back and have Ed be part of my history. I don't want him to be part of my future but part of me is finding it extremely hard to let go.

Dear Ed,
So here it is, the beginning of the end – the beginning of me and the END OF YOU! I’m tired, I’m scared, I’m frustrated, I’m angry but I am ready. I’m ready, after 9 years, to get rid of you.
I met you when my world was coming apart, and you offered everything I thought I couldn’t get from anything else. Bulimia, anorexia, whatever you want to call yourself, you can’t fool me anymore. My happiness to you meant following impossible guidelines and rules. It meant looking at myself from the outside in. Freedom from you to me means working from the inside out – its more important to me that I am a good person from within, my body is a precious commodity and not clay for you to form into your idea of perfection.
I’m tired of running. I’m gonna stand and fight
Yours in captive NO MORE, Christine

It's Been Awhile and So Here I Am

So I have not posted in a while and the reason being is because I was in hospital for a little bit (psych) but I am out now and have been for a few days so it's all good.

Today is Australia Day and in the grand ol' tradition od Aussie Day there is a BBQ at my house which with it means ALOT of food I am guessing. And right now my eating disorder is LOVING all this because it means that it gets to play a big role in how this day turns out. I hate the fact that a day like this gets destined to be ruined by my eating disorder. On the outside I will seem ok sure but on the inside I know things will be different. I hope next year I can spend this day actually having an ok time WITHOUT an ED. Maybe I need to read "Life WITHOUT ED" a few more times for some inspiration towards recovery.

"The Storm Keeps On Twisting, You Keep On Building The Lies......."

And the thoughts are crawling back. Things seem to be falling out of my control, i feel like things just aren't getting any better and I don't know how to help myself. I almost just want someone else to take things out of my hands and do things for me. I'm not lazy I just can't do this by myself anymore. Help I want to yell, but no-one seems to realise how hard this is.

And I will.......

After talking to some people about whats going on I feel alot better, still low but not as bad as I did.
I would love to cut down on my bulimic behaviours this week so that is definately a goal of mine.
Not sure what I am gonna do for dinner, probably some yum steamed veggies with seasoning or something.......
Im glad I am feeling better, or at least a little, because I hate feeling like i did a few days ago, aside from being scary its not that fun at all.
Ok I'm off to make a nice cup of tea.

Through The Looking Glass

"And so I went through the looking glass, stepped into the netherworld, where up is down and food is greed, where convex mirrors cover the walls, where death is honor and flesh is weak. It is ever so easy to go. Harder to find your way back."

I would consider myself a fairly honest person, well I would have until I developed an eating disorder. Now I am dishonest, I lie, I steal, I do alot of things I would never have imagined doing 9 years ago.

It's not a fun liife. To anyone thinking that its an attractive lifestyle it's not. Eating disorders are UGLY. A life with an eating disorder is hell. Once you slip down it's hard to get back. Often you don't even realise you are slipping and once you do.......you often cant do anything. Asking for help is hard. It's so hard and I only wish I was better at it.

Its getting too much as I've said. I feel like its going to come to an end when it needs to, I dont know when that is.

Who Are You?

‘Who are you?’ said the Caterpillar.
This was not an encouraging opening for a conversation. Alice replied, rather shyly, ‘I—I hardly know, sir, just at present— at least I know who I was when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then.’
‘What do you mean by that?’ said the Caterpillar sternly. ‘Explain yourself!’
‘I can’t explain myself, I’m afraid, sir’ said Alice, ‘because I’m not myself, you see.’
‘I don’t see,’ said the Caterpillar.
‘I’m afraid I can’t put it more clearly,’ Alice replied very politely, ‘for I can’t understand it myself to begin with; and being so many different sizes in a day is very confusing.’

Do you ever feel so bad that you act ecstatically happy?
Everyone thinks I'm going so well right now but I'm going worse than I have been in ages. I don't know what to do, I honestly don't know how much longer I can go on like this, it's tiring.

Will It End.......?

So this morning fat ol' me had:
an apple
a bowl of cereal will full cream milk
two pieces toast with butter
a bread roll with peanut butter
four pieces cheese
(all was purged)

I went out with a friend for lunch I had:
1/2 small fries and 6 nuggets from mcdonalds
Magnum Ice-cream
(purged)

got home had:
4 Picnic IceCreams
1 white chocolate Bueno bar
1 Family block Chocolate
Pack of Tim Tams
(purged)

I have been feeling more and more like killing myself lately, it keeps going 'round an 'round in my head. I don't know what to do.

Binge for the New Year

What a start to the new year, I begun the day with a walk to the supermarket (worked off my breakfast of 1 apple) and bought two bags of food.
My first binge of the day:
5 cinnamon doughnuts
750ml flavoured milk
1/2 cup cereal
1/3 jar of cream cheese
2 mini lamingtons
8 mini croissants (with butter)
2 white bueno chocolate bars

I will put away the rest of the food in my room, which I am going to go clean now.