I Hate Everything About You.......

So things have been going tough lately, I feel like when I am disobeying my eating disorder than I get quite depressed, even though I know that in the long run it will help me. I hate the fact that "Ed" rules so much of my life. What I do and who I see and everything that matters. I feel like I can't even breathe without Eds permission, I know this probably doesnt make sense to alot of you but its almost like having this little man sitting on my shoulder directing my whole life. My whole life is directed by "Eds Rules".

This section of "Life Without Ed" by Jenni Schaefer helps explain some of what goes on with me.

"Ed has rules for everything. There are the wardrobe rules: “Your ‘skinny’ jeans must always fit your body loosely,” and, “on the days that you binge, you must wear your baggy clothes.” Then, there is the dining rule: “You must always eat less than the people you are dining with on any occasion.” Your Ed may have slightly different rules for you, but one thing is for sure. He has rules, and he expects you to follow them.

What happens if you do not follow Ed’s rules? When I don’t obey Ed, he tells me that I am a worthless individual. He says, “If you don’t do what I am saying, you will never be successful. People will just look down on you for your whole life. You will never realize your full potential.”

On the other hand, if I listen to Ed and do what he says, he tells me, “You are so special. You are doing what ‘normal’ people can’t do. You are a success. If you keep listening to me, your life will be wonderful. You will always be in control.” In reality, you must remember who is really in control –Ed."

One day I hope to look back and have Ed be part of my history. I don't want him to be part of my future but part of me is finding it extremely hard to let go.

Dear Ed,
So here it is, the beginning of the end – the beginning of me and the END OF YOU! I’m tired, I’m scared, I’m frustrated, I’m angry but I am ready. I’m ready, after 9 years, to get rid of you.
I met you when my world was coming apart, and you offered everything I thought I couldn’t get from anything else. Bulimia, anorexia, whatever you want to call yourself, you can’t fool me anymore. My happiness to you meant following impossible guidelines and rules. It meant looking at myself from the outside in. Freedom from you to me means working from the inside out – its more important to me that I am a good person from within, my body is a precious commodity and not clay for you to form into your idea of perfection.
I’m tired of running. I’m gonna stand and fight
Yours in captive NO MORE, Christine